Last night I spent more than three hours on WhatsApp video call with a friend who has reached her wits end and was contemplating taking a long rest away from this world which she feels doesn’t care about her anymore.
Italian, early thirties and a successful Barrister who lives in a big house. On the outside, one would say she’s got it together.
She moved to London about seven years ago and that’s when I met her at a sidebar in London Bridge. Always wanted to settle and share her life with a good fella.
Life’s Choices ~ To share your life with another is a gift to each other. Make that gift count – Lorenzo
Getting married and staying married is one of the greatest aspirations of people the world over. Finding true and lasting happiness with someone you could call your soul mate, one you could share your life with, makes it even more desirable, especially in a world increasingly being driven by virtual friendships.
Marriage is indeed a beautiful thing when two individuals can share their happy and sad moments with each other, feel free to be themselves, enjoy each other’s company and long for the other when one is away. For many, this gives true meaning and purpose to life.
Some have however argued that marriage should not be viewed as a union of two halves, rather it is the coming together of two people with individual sets of beliefs, characteristics, personalities and aspirations. It is not the completion of the other as many state, especially within religious faiths. The notion that until one finds a partner one is incomplete defeats the concept of individualism and the self. In as much as finding a soul mate to share your life with you is a great life’s achievement, as it brings a feeling of being loved and wanted or needed, being alone should not be viewed as one of life’s failures in itself.
A state of ‘Aloneness’ should not be mistaken for being lonely, which is a state of incompleteness, lacking, an absence, a feeling there is something missing. Aloneness, rather, is a state of self-love, self presence, completeness, fullness, self-fulfilment. It is being happy within one’s own space and not ‘needing’ someone or something to make one feel complete.
In this regard, marriage should not be used as a tool to feel complete, ‘finding-your-missing-rib’ kind of thing. One must have self-love and self-knowledge for one to have a successful stab at marriage.
One thing many must understand is that in reality, there are no textbook approaches to having a happy and long lasting marriage. Individuals differ, circumstances differ, the conditions under which the marriage was consummated differ. For me, especially in today’s ever-changing and complex social structure, the basic premise for a successful and long-lasting relationship is a sound foundation.
Marriage is like a merger, two companies coming together. The culture of each company must be understood and if there are too many divergences, then the union is bound to fail. If however both companies can analyse where they both have similarities and can establish common values and purpose, can make compromises early on and as they go along, then there is every chance of a successful merger and a stronger company will emerge eventually, ceteris paribus.
For marriages, it should be fundamental that each partner establishes the behavioural tendencies of the other, including their psychological and social perceptions, life’s goals, beliefs, past successes and failures. It is also crucial to bear in mind, or take into consideration, the purpose why one wants, or perhaps needs, the other in one’s life for as long as one lives.
Marriage is a very unique union and requires some good luck to find the right person that is capable of going through the thick of it with you. Marriage is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The ability to work things out depends on the nature and character of the partner and how far the other is ready to sacrifice.
In truth, there are no text book rules and approaches to a happy and long-lasting marriage. Everyone is different. We are individuals first. Situations differ. No two marriages are ever the same. What is most important is ensuring that your feelings are genuine and you are honest to yourself about why you want to get married and hopefully staying married. Being married to someone who loves you in return is one of life’s most beautiful gifts. Do right by your partner and pray that the good luck smiles down at you.